Humour - A likely story!!!!!
An old man was eating at a truckers stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker stubbed out his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and and poued it ont the floor. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his Scania over three motorcycles!"
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Britain and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on t the M25 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM! There are the blue lights of the local constabulary in his mirror.
He pulls over and the policeman comes to his window. Well, the policeman, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The cop radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Mr Prescott again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Prince, isn't it ?"
The cop replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Prime Minister is it?"
"No, more important," replies the policeman.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the policeman. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She doesn't know a thing about cars."
5 things you never hear at the Le Mans 24 Hour:
"None for me, thanks. That Stella will do a number on your teeth."
"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!"
"Seastian, be a good lad and retrieve the Financial Times from my attaché case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."
"These are even better seats than we had for the Westlife concert!"
"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
(From J Stolton)
A rookie police officer pulled an Aston Martin over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended last year after I got 12 points.
Officer: May I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this DB9 and stuffed his dope in the boot.
Officer: There's drugs in the boot too?!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The Aston Martin was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's drugs in there.
Driver: No problem.
The boot was opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole this car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there were drugs in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a small speck in the horizon. The speck gets closer and closer until out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
A TVR owner is having dinner in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous brunette sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a fantastic breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No ,"she replies....... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Thanks to David W. for these funny tales. Please keep them coming!
Letter from Grandma to her friend:
Dear Linda,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
Kevin S from Northampton sent this possible outlook on life once over the hill !!!!
For over 40's women and men approaching retirement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: Helpful Bob
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Bob......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men ill find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows etter than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, ven if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed, Bob
*****EDITOR'S NOTE******
Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was
found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his ***, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife
Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman
jury found her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that he
accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
Do you sell anti-freeze......
Do you like my MOOtorcycle!
How to modify your car in two easy steps. First the stripes...
Then to lower the ride height...
One careful owner...
The first sat nav inYorkshire???? Thanks to N. West
A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided To
take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded To have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with
no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?". She replies, "I rowed from
the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up
with you.". "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and tern came
from a Eucalyptus tree.". "But, where did you get the tools?". "Oh, that
was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that
for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls
off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expert woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he
blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a
Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable.
"Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs
in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she
greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell
me," she
begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for
many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into
his
eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes.........
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports here"
--------------------------------
Driving in Heaven
Three guys died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.
The guy replied, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Yugo to
drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Subaru Impreza."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Ferrari 430!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Subaru and the
Yugo saw the guy with the Ferrari crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked the guy with the Ferrari what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
Modified Motor
Paul was in the pub one night telling his friend how his uncle Trevor tried to make a new car for himself.….
"So he took wheels from an Porsche, a radiator from a Cosworth, some panels and bumpers from a TR6...."
"Wow that sounds awesome" interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"
Paul replied, "Two years and probation."
Crazy (Sent in by Bill C. - We liked this one and a great Pinnacle-Wolfgang Souveran Kit has bee sent out to Bill)
A man was driving down the road, when his tire blew out. He pulled his car up ito change the tire and happened to stop outside a mental asylum.
He got out, jacked up the car, and took off the bad tire. He put the wheel nuts on the ground whilst he got the spare tire out of the boot. Just then, a truck drove by and scattered all the wheel nuts. He couldn’t find any of them. The man scratched his head and swore a few times wondering what he should do.
Just then, a mental patient who saw the whole thing, said," Hey mister, why don’t ya just take a wheel nut off the other 3 tires, and put those nuts on your spare? The man was amazed. He said," Hey fella, you’re not crazy. When I get home I’m going to write to the chairman of your asylum and recommend that you’re released!"
The driver finished putting his spare tire on and started to get back into his car when out of nowhere a brick hit him on the back of his head. The mental patient shouted out to him," Now don’t you forget about that letter!!"
Before it starts
A biker comes home after an afternoon trip away with his buddies to the pub. He sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looks a little confused, but brings him a beer. When he’s finished it, he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little pcheesed off, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You cheeky b*****! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The biker sighs. "Oh s***, it's started.
|
